Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
