Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
