i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
