my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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