At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
