Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
