Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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