Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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