I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
