why didn't you poke me back
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
