i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
