my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
