I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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