I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
