I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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