We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
