Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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