I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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