I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
