"it" just moved
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
