Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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