Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I need a burrito and a hug.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
