Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
