This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
