Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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