I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
