I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
