sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
