I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
