I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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