you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
tell me about the eggs
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
