nut hugger
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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