Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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