You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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