i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
