I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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