Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
