Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We left the knife in your bed.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
