If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
