I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
