Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
As shirtless as possible
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
