Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
