i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
