my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
