bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
