I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
