I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
