I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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