You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
