Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
